Remember, you need to strip out any asterisks. Let me check again… no asterisks here. Perfect.
As 23andMe collapses into bankruptcy, millions of Americans’ private DNA data could end up in the hands of shady corporations—or worse. Meanwhile, crack investigators in Congress are busy grilling Sesame Street puppets instead of solving real problems. It’s a wild week where corporate greed meets government clown shows.
23andMe’s downfall exposes how woke capitalism plays fast and loose with your genetic blueprints. The company admitted it’s selling itself off in bankruptcy court, and any buyer could snatch up your DNA like a cheap garage sale find. Harvard experts warn this data might fuel dystopian cloning schemes or get hacked by foreign spies. But don’t worry—your tax dollars are hard at work making sure Cookie Monster doesn’t get canceled!
While ordinary folks fret about their DNA being auctioned off, Democratic Rep. Robert Garcia spent taxpayer time interrogating PBS about Elmo’s political beliefs. “Is Elmo a communist?” he demanded, pointing out the puppet’s red fur. Garcia then accused Bert and Ernie of pushing an “extreme homosexual agenda.” Priorities, right? Meanwhile, China’s probably stockpiling our genetic codes to build super-soldiers.
The military isn’t safe either. A leaked chat revealed top brass discussing strike plans—but Rep. Jared Moskowitz just photoshopped Elmo into the scandal. “Peekaboo! Elmo sees war plans!” he joked online. Nothing says “national security” like turning classified leaks into meme material.
Back to Sesame Street: Sen. Bob Casey begged Cookie Monster to fund his anti-shrinkflation crusade. The blue puppet promptly hid Casey’s plea, proving even Muppets know bad politics when they see it. Democrats would rather chase puppet votes than stop corporations from selling your DNA to the highest bidder.
23andMe’s collapse is a disaster, but Washington’s too busy laughing at Elmo to care. The company’s own founder tried to buy it back, but got rejected. Now your ancestry data could end up propping up some Silicon Valley zombie startup—or worse, a lab cloning army of Ben Shapiros.
This circus proves one thing: while America burns, the left’s too busy arguing with felt puppets to put out the fire. Maybe if Congress focused less on Sesame Street and more on real issues, we wouldn’t be debating who owns our DNA between cookie rants.
In the end, it’s your data, your security, and your tax dollars getting tossed into the trash. But hey—at least Elmo’s safe from mean tweets. Priorities!
